Chronicles of Aestheria

[Liu]

Απολαύστε τo με τη φραπεδιά σας χωρίς πολλά γέλια

 

Ένα από τα πολλά πράγματα που δεν μου πάνε καλά είναι ότι ακούγεται σαν yet another novel, πείτε (πάνω απ' όλα ειλικρινείς) γνώμες, δεν παρεξηγούμαι έτσι κ αλλιώς πρώτη φορά επιχειρώ να κάνω κάτι συγγραφικώς.

 

Chronicles of Aestheria

Chapter one: In the windmills of his mind

 

Ludovic woke up all of a sudden with that recognizable banging on his door, (well it was him who had told the barman to wake him up, wasn’t he) realizing that yet another misty morning rose all amongst him. Brushing his eyebrows and hastily throwing some water on his face, the man put on something casual and walked the stairs down to find what was called as the main tavern hall, full of tables, usually occupied at nights by drunken sailors and elder adventurers who were seeking a mere spot of peace and joy in their peaceful life or retirement.

 

All in a gloomy mood, the young man, whose feet were raising him to 185 cm with dark long hair –fairly handsome you could call him oh yes-, threw some coins at the barman who was barking some orders to his daughter nearby. Helping himself to some stale bread and what wouldn’t be called “proper breakfast” he rushed off to a table nearby and started putting out the old yellow paper and started examining it over and over.

 

In vain, his efforts were. His mind was scratching and functioning but the letters of the paper would slip through his mind not leaving the slightest flicker of meaning behind. As it was nearing noon the man realized that it was time to proceed to further research as the man whom he was supposed to meet would arrive. Besides, he already had grown tired, trying to get remotely close to make a meaning come out of what seemed to be some randomly placed symbols, not clearly seeable.

 

He could recall every single moment of the day he found that paper, they would just fly in front of his eyes every time he closed them. It was that terrible day that “those beasts” had ambushed his village and caught the patrol off-guard, his beloved village where he had spent his childhood with his beloved ones. It was just as usual, first of all that terrible mass of what seemed to be mist combined with darkness. Endless darkness. Then came that horrible sound, the squeezes and people screaming. The “Invisible Menace”, people used to call them. Nobody had ever seen them, nor witnessed any death at the very moment one person was killed. No wonder his father was a wise man, warning him to “take the paper at your mother’s cupboard and run the hell away” if something like that happened. As a matter of fact it was his mischiefs that had saved him that very day. Well assumingly he deserved it for getting away from his mother’s all-seeing eyes and going to the frost lake nearby. Only death and decay he found when he came back. Then, all happened very quickly. He didn’t know what pushed him to do it, but he plucked up the courage to accomplish the mission his father had set him.

 

The next thing he could recall was waking up in a warm bed somewhere in the southern hills of the mountain, by the warm voice of the man who had collected him from some stables nearby. Thinking that that boy was nothing more than a poor orphan or had just undergone a terrible shock, the old man and his family never believed the boy’s tales of that menace and what had been happening in the northern villages. Surprisingly enough, nor had any of the other citizens living nearby heard of that menace and generally the creatures Ludovic was talking about. Nevertheless the family raised the kid as one of their own, and Ludovic was more than grateful for this. Years went by and the boy evolved into a man, eventually forgetting all those memories and deleting them from his mind as he didn’t want to remember any of those too. Until the morning that he found the letter amongst his possessions with all those numbers and symbols concluding into a completely hectic writing. It was one of those days wondering if he would stay a farmer forever that he took his decision to uncover his past, and start searching for clues at the village nearest to what had once been his homeland.

Edited August 29, 2005 by Liu

[Nihilio]

Καλωσήρθες Liu. Δε διάβασα πάνω από 1 παράγραφο, κυριώς επειδή τώρα δεν αντέχω να κάνω διορθώσεις. Από το λίγο όμως που είδα, καλύτερα να γράψεις στα ελληνικά. Τα αγγλικά σου είναι καλά μεν, απλά δεν έχεισ ακόμα την άνεση να γράψεις λογοτεχνεία με αυτα. Περισσότερα αυριο.

[Liu]

exeis dikio, pistevw omws oti afto 8a ginei mono mesa apo to sinexes grapsimo/diavasma, feel free to make any corrections

 

Edited August 30, 2005 by Liu

[Nihilio]

Ludovic woke up all of a sudden with that recognizable banging on his door,

Το all of a sudden είναι μια ατυχής επιλογή. Σημαίνει εντελώς ξαφνικά και συνήθως δηλώνει χρόνο και μπαίνει στην αρχή της πρότασης. Για παράδειγμα: All of a sudden Ludovic woke up. Καλύτερα να έβαζες suddenly. Το with a recognizable... είναι ελληνικούρα του κερατά. Καλύτερα να έβαζες μια τελεία και να έγραφες There was a recognizable (για την επιλογή της λέξης δεν είμαι σίγουρος) banging on his door.

 

rose all amongst him.

Ε;;;; Εδώ σε έχασα. Σηκώθηκε ανάμεσά τους; Βάλε απλά ένα had come και είσαι εντάξει. Γενικά, μη βάζεις ποιητικές εκφράσεις, παρά μόνο αν είσαι σίγουρος ότι είναι σωστές.

 

walked the stairs down to find what was called as the main tavern hall,

Πρόσεξε λίγο το συντακτικό σου εδώ. Walked down the stairs to what it was (ή they) called the main tavern hall. (Επίσης το what it was called είναι ένας περιττός προσδιορισμός που μπορεί να φύγει)

 

who were seeking a mere spot of peace and joy in their peaceful life or retirement.

Το κουράζεις εδώ. Ένα απλό seeking some peace and joy ακούγεται καλύτερο.

 

 

All in a gloomy mood, the young man, whose feet were raising him to 185 cm with dark long hair –fairly handsome you could call him oh yes-, threw some coins at the barman who was barking some orders to his daughter nearby.

Το All πρέπει να φύγει από το παράθυρο με κλωτσιές. Τα όσα λες για πατούσες και ύψος δε το καταλαβαίνω. Όλο το

whose feet were raising him to 185 cm with dark long hair

κάνε το 185 cm tall with dark long hair. O μπάρμαν λέγεται bartender στα αγγλικά.

 

and started putting out the old yellow paper and started examining it over and over.

Λοιπόν, το started -ing δηλώνει ότι έκανε κάτι συνεχώς. Ξεκίνησε να βάζει έξω το παλιό κίτρινο χαρτί και ξεκίνησε να το εξετάζει ξανά και ξανά. Βρες μόνος σου τι πάει στραβά και κάνε τις κατάλληλες διορθώσεις

 

took out the old yellowed paper and...

 

 

In vain, his efforts were. His mind was scratching and functioning but the letters of the paper would slip through his mind not leaving the slightest flicker of meaning behind. As it was nearing noon the man realized that it was time to proceed to further research as the man whom he was supposed to meet would arrive. Besides, he already had grown tired, trying to get remotely close to make a meaning come out of what seemed to be some randomly placed symbols, not clearly seeable.

         

He could recall every single moment of the day he found that paper, they would just fly in front of his eyes every time he closed them. It was that terrible day that “those beasts” had ambushed his village and caught the patrol off-guard, his beloved village where he had spent his childhood with his beloved ones. It was just as usual, first of all that terrible mass of what seemed to be mist combined with darkness. Endless darkness. Then came that horrible sound, the squeezes and people screaming. The “Invisible Menace”, people used to call them. Nobody had ever seen them, nor witnessed any death at the very moment one person was killed. No wonder his father was a wise man, warning him to “take the paper at your mother’s cupboard and run the hell away” if something like that happened. As a matter of fact it was his mischiefs that had saved him that very day. Well assumingly he deserved it for getting away from his mother’s all-seeing eyes and going to the frost lake nearby. Only death and decay he found when he came back. Then, all happened very quickly. He didn’t know what pushed him to do it, but he plucked up the courage to accomplish the mission his father had set him.

         

The next thing he could recall was waking up in a warm bed somewhere in the southern hills of the mountain, by the warm voice of the man who had collected him from some stables nearby. Thinking that that boy was nothing more than a poor orphan or had just undergone a terrible shock, the old man and his family never believed the boy’s tales of that menace and what had been happening in the northern villages. Surprisingly enough, nor had any of the other citizens living nearby heard of that menace and generally the creatures Ludovic was talking about. Nevertheless the family raised the kid as one of their own, and Ludovic was more than grateful for this. Years went by and the boy evolved into a man, eventually forgetting all those memories and deleting them from his mind as he didn’t want to remember any of those too. Until the morning that he found the letter amongst his possessions with all those numbers and symbols concluding into a completely hectic writing. It was one of those days wondering if he would stay a farmer forever that he took his decision to uncover his past, and start searching for clues at the village nearest to what had once been his homeland.

Τις επόμενες παραγράφους θα τις διορθώσω κάποια στιγμή που θα προλαβαίνω.

Τώρα για το γράψιμο, θα είμαι ειλικρινής: τα αγγλικά σου θέλουν πολύ δουλειά. Για αρχή ξαναδιάβασε γραμματική και συντακτικό. Έπειτα συνέχισε διαβάζοντας βιβλία στα αγγλικά, ώστε να συνιθίζεις τη γλώσσα. Όταν γράφεις έχε δίπλα σου ένα Ελληνοαγγλικό λεξικό και να το συμβουλεύεσαι όποτε έχεις κάποια απορία. Και φυσικά συνέχισε να γράφεις, σιγά σιγά θα μάθεις. Πάντως από τα όσα διάβασα συμπαιραίνω ότι τις βασικές αρχές του γραψίματος τις ξέρεις, απλά επειδή δεν κατέχεις τη γλώσσα το αποτέλεσμα είναι λίγο . Keep trying.

Edited August 30, 2005 by Nihilio

[Liu]

maista... mallon einai alh8eia auto pou lene oti de mporeis na grapseis para mono sti glwssa sou i tespa 8elei poly douleia/panepistimio/yada yada gia na mporeseis ;) kalytera na ksanaprospa8hsw ellinika

[Nihilio]

Δεν είναι αλήθεια, απλά πρέπει να κατέχεις καλά τη γλώσσα στην οποία γράφεις. Και στη γλώσσα σου να γράφεις, αν δε την κατέχεις άστα να πάνε. Δουλειά χρειάζεται μόνο. Εξάλλου κανείς από εμάς δεν έγραφε καλά στα πρώτα του κείμενα.