[Nihilio]

Είδος: επιστημονική φαντασία
Βία; Ναι
Σεξ; Όχι
Αριθμός Λέξεων: 660
Αυτοτελής; Ναι
Σχόλια: Σίγουρα μου έχουν ξεφύγει λαθάκια. Αν δείτε κάτι, μιλήστε άφοβα.
-----


We roasted the dog. Then we kicked down the front door and entered the dilapidated farmhouse, flamers first.
“OK, guys,” I ordered them, “we walk in and fry each and every one of them, got it?”
“Damn mutties,” cursed Alfie under his heavy metallic gas mask. Joss just nodded.
They had.

The hall was long and narrow, forcing us to move in a row. Its walls were cracked, pieces plaster had fallen, leaving large patches of bare bricks. The flickering flames on the muzzles of our flamers provided the only light, casting horrid shadows on the walls.
A row of doors was on our left. We kicked down each and every one of them, taking turns. Every time we forced one open, one of us would enter the room and scan it for mutant entities. Our mission was to cleanse and purify the building.

Damn mutants! They were all over the desert. God knew how the hell they survived out here in the wasteland. It took us quite some time to find this god damn hideout amidst the ruins of the so-called 'farmhouses' that sprawled all over the valley, but the dog in the
yard, their guardian, betrayed them. And now we came to bring them swift, just death.
It all started many years ago, almost two centuries ago, way before we were born. The elders say it all started when the mushrooms of fire grew from the ground and burned civilisation. Our venerated ancestors had hid underground and survived and only went to the surface when the mushrooms had burned all life on it.

It was a hard time, but they survived. Soon, they rebuilt the cities of old and lived there, protected from the wrath of the elements. But then the mutants came. Savage hairless beasts, once like us but exposed to the rendiation of the mushrooms, they were rendered into mad beasts. They attacked us constantly, looting our homes and slaying our people. And we had to strike back. Strike back into the ruins of a former age, the ruins they dwelled in, and put each and every one of them to the flamer, as our great priests had ordered.

We found them in the third room. It was my turn to check and, as I kicked the door open, I saw them. There were three of them, two females huddled together in a corner, and one male standing in front of them, carrying a sharpened slab of metal and trying to protect them.
He must have been too eager to die, because he tried to attack me. Combat in tight quarters can prove very tricky, as our instructors often told us. In small rooms such as this one, using a flamer can set the user, or one of his allies, on fire too. But parrying away the mutant's weapon was not hard for a veteran like me. I raised my flamer vertically and caught the sharp edge with it, then kicked the mutant back against a wall, stepped back outside the room and pressed the trigger. A torrent of kerosene left the muzzle, caught fire and splashed on him, sending him to the hell worthy for all those impure.
The female mutants were screaming, but I didn't stay my hand. Instead, I turned the flamer to them and pushed the trigger once more. Covered in flames they shrieked even more till their vile throats turned to ashes. Obscured by the raging inferno covering them, their vile
monstrous bodies were not visible. Their hairless, pinkish bodies with the abnormally long arms, their only pair of sagging breasts hanging from their torsos, their flat faces and the straight slots they had for mouths. To Hell with this vile spawn of rendiation that set them so far away from God's own image.

“We gave 'em Hell,” grunted Alfie, removing his mask.
“Yes, we did,” I replied.
“Yes, we did,” he repeated satisfied, his tusks shining in the fire.

[Sylook]

Γενικά καλογραμμένο αλλά πρέπει να σου πω ότι το twist end που έχει είναι ένα απο τα κλασσικότερα του Sci-fi. Δεν ξέρω αν το έγραψες για να το στείλεις κάπου έξω (έναντι αμοιβής) αλλά αν αυτός είναι ο λόγος θα δυσκολευτείς αφάνταστα να πλασάρεις ένα τόσο ''εξαντλημένο'' concept.
Αν το έγραψες απλά για προπόνηση όμως, καλό.

[Nihilio]

Ας πούμε για προπόνηση, σίγουρα όχι για πούλημα.
Κι ευχαριστώ για το σχόλιο.

[Electroscribe]

Καλογραμμένο κι έξυπνο, αν και το εύρημαμου θύμισε την πρώτη-πρώτη ιστορία ΕΦ που διάβασα στα 14 μου ("Sentinel", του Frederic Brown).

Μερικές παρατηρήσεις-προτάσεις:

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

Its walls were cracked, pieces plaster had fallen, leaving large patches of bare bricks.

pieces OF plaster, REVEALING(?) large patches of bare brick (not "bricks").

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

It took us quite some time to find this god damn hideout

god-damned ?

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

And now we came to bring them swift, just death.

justly-deserved(?) death

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

the ruins they dwelled in

dwelt in

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

carrying a sharpened slab of metal

rod of metal ("slab" = πλάκα, φλούδα)

Nihilio, on Mar 6 2008, 23:41, said:

Covered in flames they shrieked even more till their vile throats turned to ashes. Obscured by the raging inferno covering them, their vile monstrous bodies were not visible.

Επανάληψη του vile

[tetartos]

Nihilio, on Mar 7 2008, 00:41, said:

To Hell with this vile spawn of rendiation that set them so far away from God's own image.

Και τρίτη επανάληψη του vile.

Κατά τα άλλα καλοστημένη ιστορία. Γιατί στα Αγγλικά;