proto xtipima

[month]

Καλησπέρα. Είμαι ένας καινούργιος χρήστης του sff, και έχω ψιλοχαθεί. Δεν έχω ώρα να ψάξω που είναι οι ιστορίες, αλλά αν κατάλαβα καλά τις κάνουμε post μαζί με ένα topic. Λόγο χρόνου τώρα δεν θα κάτσω πολλή ώρα να ψάξω τις ιστορίες των υπολοίπων, αλλά, και μετά απο παρότρηνση παλιότερου συνάδελφού σας, θα βάλω το πρώτο κεφάλαιο της ιστορίας μου εδώ. Ελπίχω να σας αρέσει και αν ναι, να βάλω και την υπόλοιπη ιστορία μου στο site. Δεχτές όλες οι κριτικές.

Rainy_night.doc

[month]

Και τώρα που το θυμήθηκα, προτείνετε μου καμιά ιστοριούλα απο εδω μέσα να διαβάσω. Οτιδήποτε, δεν με χαλάει.

[Nihilio]

Για άλλες ιστορίες μπορείς να ξεκινήσεις από το spotlight. (Το topic που είναι επάνω επάνω...)

 

Τώρα με το γραπτό σου:

 

Τα όσα γράφεις δεν είναι άσχημα. Αντίθετα δίνουν μια γερή βάση για συνέχεια. Το πώς όμως το γράφεις είναι το πρόβλημα. Θα γίνω κακός, το ξέρω, αλλά τα αγγλικά σου θέλουν ακόμα πολύ δουλειά. Ίσως θα ήταν καλό να προσπαθούσες να γράψεις στα Ελληνικά, τα οποία πιστεύω θα γνωρίζεις καλύτερα

Πιο συγκεκριμένα δες τι μάζεψα από τις δύο πρώτες παραγράφους:

 

He wore a raged jean

Jeans πάντα σε πλυθηντικό

 

as was he

as him, as he was

 

They were alike but in some details

το σκότωσες ελαφρώς

 

and with suppressed angered he spoke.

and spoke with suppressed anger

 

a man that was considered of the most logic and ordinary men,

a man that was considered one of the most logic and ordinary ones

 

And was involved in melee combat with nothing more than a simple street rat it seemed.

And was involved in melee with what seemed to be a simple street rat.

 

Γενικά, έχε υπόψη σου ότι τα αγγλικά έχουν πολύ διαφορετική σύνταξη από τα Ελληνικά, είναι πιο ανελαστικά. Θα σου πρότεινα να συνεχίσεις να γράφεις, ίσως όμως θα έπρεπε να ξανασκεφτείς τη γλώσσα που χρησιμοποιείς ή να αρχίσεις να διαβάζεις περισσότερο βιβλία στα αγγλικά, ώστε να οικειοποιηθείς περισσότερο με τη γλώσσα.

[Elsanor]

Καλή προσπάθεια φίλε month. Το λεξιλόγιο και οι εκφράσεις υστερούν κάπως όπως παρατήρησε ο Nihilio, αλλά αυτό δεν πρέπει να σε αποθαρρύνει. Συνέχισε να διαβάζεις νουβέλες ή μυθιστορήματα στα αγγλικά αν αυτή είναι η γλώσσα που προτιμάς να γράφεις ώστε να αποκτήσεις καλό έλεγχο. Η λύση για την καλυτέρευση είναι μία: γράφε, γράφε γράφε.

 

Και σύντομα θα δεις ότι θα βελτιώνεσαι με κάθε γραπτό σου. Αν θέλεις να διαβάσεις ιστορίες από παιδιά του forum, δες στη βιβλιοθήκη, αλλά μη μείνεις μόνο στην πρώτη σελίδα. Δες και στις προηγούμενες.

 

Καλή συνέχεια σου εύχομαι.

[Oberon]

Ωραία ιστορία, με δικό της στυλ και αίσθηση. Και η γλώσσα ήταν επίσης πλούσια. Ειδικά αν είναι η πρώτη σου προσπάθεια είναι πολύ καλή.

 

Αρκετά λάθη στα Αγγλικά όμως, που χάλαγαν την απόλαυση της ιστορίας.

Αν πρέπει να γράψεις οπωσδήποτε στα Αγγλικά, θα σου πρότεινα, σαν καθηγητής Αγγλικών, να προσπαθήσεις να διορθώνεις το κείμενό σου μετά, όσο μπορείς μόνος σου η με τη βοήθεια κάποιου άλλου.

 

Επίσης, είναι πιο βολικό κείμενα σου που δεν είναι πολύ μεγάλα, να τα κάνεις copy-paste και όχι attachments.

 

Τέλος, καλώς όρισες στο φόρουμ και ελπίζω να σου αρέσει εδώ. Αν έχεις ψιλοχαθεί, μη διστάσεις να ρωτήσεις όλους τους Moderators για ότι θέλεις.

[month]

Ευχαριστώ. Λοιπόν για τις κριτικές τώρα του Nihilio. Τα περισότερα είναι ηθελημένα ασύντακτα, όπως το as was he. Άλλα, όπως σωστά παρατήρησες, απλά τα σκότωσα. Με δίκανο. Εξ'επαφής . Γενικά, πάντως, ξέρω ότι τα αγγλικά μου πάσχουν όταν γράφω μεγάλα κείμενα. . Και όσον αφορά το γράφε και ξαναγράφε, δεν θες να δείς την πρώτη μου προσπάθεια σε ιστορία, στα αγγλικά. Το θυμάμαι τώρα και με πιάνει σύγκριο. (ήταν μια ιστορία X-MEN, σε clairmont εποχή αν ξέρεις.) Όσο για την γλώσσα, όταν γράφω στο πληκτρολόγιο, για κάποιον λόγο, μου βγαίνει τελείως αγγλικά. δεν μπορώ να γράψω Ελληνικά με το πληκτρολόγιο, η πρόοδος είναι τρελά πιο αργή. Και τα καλήτερα μου κείμενα, ναι είναι ελληνικά, αλλά πρέπει να τα μεταφέρω απο το ντοσιέ σε doc, και με πιάνει οξεία τεμπελίτιδα όταν το σκέφτομαι. Λοιπόν, το επόμενο κεφάλαιο, μάλλον θα μπεί αύριο. Ελπίζω να με ξαναγδάρετε, εεε, να κάνετε επεικοδομητική κριτική ενοώ. Και αν έχω σφάξει την ορθογραφία, συγγνώμη. Θα την φτιάξω και αυτην, που θα μου πάει.

Τέλος για τα βιβλία που μου λέτε, έχω διαβάσει τα 2/3 της βιβλιοθήκης σε νουβέλες αγγλικών ενός φίλου μου, σχεδόν όλο το dragonlance. Και όπου βρώ κείμενο στα αγγλικά, είτε fanfic, είτε κανονικό, το διαβάζω. Νησάφι πια! Θέλω να διαβάσω Ελληνικά!

[Nihilio]

Περιμένουμε.

[Oberon]

Όταν κάποιος τονίζει κάποια κακώς κείμενα δεν είναι γδάρσιμο, είναι εποικοδομητική κριτική, όπως και όταν τονίζει συγχρόνως και τα καλά.

Όσο για το re-write, δεν ξέρω γιατί κάποιοι έχουν προβλημα με αυτό.

Κάθε σοβαρός συγγραφέας, επαγγελματίας η μη, γράφει και ξαναγράφει το κείμενό του ώστε το τελικό αποτέλεσμα να είναι πάντα το καλύτερο δυνατόν.

[Βάρδος]

Και ποτέ δεν τελειώνει να το ξαναγράφει, μπορώ να σου πω.

 

Ακόμα κάνω διορθώσεις στον 1ο τόμο της Επιστροφής των Θεών, όποτε τύχει να δω κάτι που μου φαίνεται λάθος.

 

Πάντως, πρέπει κανείς να έχει και το μέτρο, για να τελειώσει ένα έργο. Να ξέρει πότε να πει: "Τελείωσα αυτό το βιβλίο και προχωρώ στο επόμενο". Κι απο κεί και πέρα, αν κάποια στιγμή στο μέλλον, δεις κάποιο λάθος σε ένα παλιότερο βιβλίο, μπορείς πάντα να το διορθώσεις. Το word να είναι καλά. Παλιά, με τις γραφομηχανές ήταν η πίκρα...

[month]

Και όπως είπα το βάζω τώρα το δεύτερο μέρος. Θα το κάνω post ως απλό μύνημα.

 

 

 

 

Momma take this badge off of me,

I can’t use it anymore.

It’s getting dark too dark to see,

Feels like I’m knocking on heavens door.

 

Knocking on Heavens Door Bob Dylan.

 

-My name is Evan.

This was the phrase that changed the course of his life for years to come. Those four little words. And as with all the turning points in ones life, it was underestimated. He looked at the frail, trembling form of the girl that was brave enough to chase after a psychotic killer. One that has ripped his opponent’s head from his body in one smooth move. He shrugged. It was not important to him. Nothing was. The girl chose her path, and she would not be a burden to him anyhow. If she was to die in one of his fights, then so be it.

-Why did you follow me, girl?

She pulled something out from under her tattered dress. It was his wallet. He looked at it, and smirked. Then he tried to suppress a laughter. He failed miserably. His laughter burst out like a rumble of a coming storm. He dropped his wallet, and she got it back to him! And not only that, she already knew his name! That was… He had no words for what happened just now. The girl looked at him not able to understand why he laughed. When he stopped laughing she spoke.

-If the cops found that, you would have been found.

-And why do you care, girl?

She didn’t answer, only looked at the floor.

-You don’t need to answer. Thank you for the wallet. You can go now.

He turned to get the rest of his possessions. He was getting careless, and that meant death in his line of business. He placed all his clothes and stuff in an old school bag, and walked to the exit of the warehouse. The girl grabbed his bag as he was ready to step out.

-Can I come along?

He didn’t even turn. He shrugged again. It was still her choice to throw her life away in things she didn’t understand.

-Whatever. Just don’t bother me too much, girl.

They walked away from the warehouse, two more tramps on the streets for most people.

 

It was some time before he got to learn her name. He never asked, she never told. And truth be told, he didn’t want to learn about her. It would only make it harder when the inevitable happened. She was going to die soon, and he didn’t want to get hurt. He learned her name one day on the road, in one of those no name little towns. It seemed it was her home town. Since then, her clothes were changed in more decent ones. They were both clothed casually, nothing reminding the fact that she was a tramp in the streets of a big city. She wondered where he got the money, but never asked. They were inside a mini market, buying stuff for the road again. Evan never talked too much, but in the last two weeks, he was getting warmer towards her. Only when he returned from some of his “missions” as she called them, was he completely cold towards her. And that was when she heard a familiar voice.

-Estelle!!!

She turned bewildered, and looked at the face of her mother, mixed with anger and joy. Estelle closed her eyes, while Evan looked at both of them discretely. A familiar sarcastic smirk was playing on his lips. But he fought valiantly not to let it show. She let out a small inaudible sigh before she answered.

-Mother.

Her mother hugged her tight, like she was trying to crash her. She couldn’t resist it though she wanted too much. He mother was attacking her with questions, and dragging her away from the shop, when Evan decided to interject.

-Excuse me.

Estelle’s mother turned and saw him, seemingly for the first time.

-And who is this young man, Estelle? Your husband?

-Her companion.

-Companion? Are you two engaged?

-No.

-Do you plan too?

-No.

-Then how are you her companion? Don’t tell me you two are living in sin?

-Although it would be fun to play a joke on you lady, no, we do not. We are traveling together; just that.

-Well, she came back home, so I think that her traveling days are way over, right Estelle?

She remained silent, and Evan smirked again.

-You know lady, you should just leave your daughter. You might harm a wing

protecting her like that from the big bad traveler.

Estelle’s mother opened her mouth to respond, when Estelle stepped between them.

-Mom, we will talk about this later. Evan will be our guest for as long as he wishes to

stay.

So she said and looked around her.

-And anyway you don’t want a scene in here, right?

They all looked around them. It was true that only a couple of people were only watching them, but if they begun a shouting match it would be a lot more people watching.

-All right you two, follow me.

Estelle’s mother dragged them out of the store, shouting at the owner to put their wares in her tab. She damped them inside an old car, and they sped out of the city. None of them talked as she drove home. Evan looked at the mirror and saw another car tailing them. He shrugged, and settled a little more on his seat, whispering a song. He had his eyes closed, and was peaceful. Both mother and daughter looked at him in astonishment but for totally different reasons. It was a nice drive, not overly fast, and was soon over. They got out of the car, and he saw a small farm. The strange thing was that it had a small chapel near the house. He looked at Estelle and her mother, following them. They both treated him as if he did not exist. And it was weird for her to act like that; too weird. He entered the house, and it looked like a normal two story house. The curtains were of fitting color with all the rooms which were beige. He hated that color. It ticked him off whenever he was in a room painted in that color. His mother painted his house that color.

-Here, come, young man, sit. Your name is…

-Evan.

-Well Evan, I am happy that you found our daughter and returned her to us,…

-I returned her to none, we were just passing through.

-And when my husband comes in, he will reward you, I am certain.

-Listen lady, I ain’t care for rewards.

He was angry now. She treated him like some kind of brat. And that seriously ticked him.

-And as for your daughter, she is her own person, she decides if she stays or if she

goes!

-Now, now, this is not the time to talk like that. Plenty of time for that later. Now you

need to rest.

She was patronizing him. He kept his temper under check. He was their “guest” after all. He had to be calm about this. Estelle’s mother watched him with interest. And she seemed almost… disappointed when he was able to control himself. And that was weird. At that time, the door opened and a burly man came in. And he was huge. He towered over him, and he felt that the man’s fists were as big as his head. He looked at him with interest. He had a clear honest face, in contrast with Estelle’s mother, which had mischief written all over it. And he seemed angry for some reason.

-Grace! What is… this doing in here?!

He guessed that the man was referring to him, but he chose not to comment on that.

-Oh, Harry dear, you are back. This is Evan and he accompanied our Estelle back.

-Actually, I still am her companion until she says otherwise.

-Nonsense! She is back home, what more would she like?

-Freedom?

-She has all the freedom she needs here!

-Yeah, in about three hundred yards around this house, I guess. Not being able to go to the town to buy something, or go out on a Saturday night. Nice freedom lady, you must join the Nazi party.

-How dare you assume that we treat our daughter like that!

-So she ran away because you were perfect?

An uneasy silence fell over them. Estelle was still silent, but she had a hint of a smile when he looked at her, with the edge of his eyes. The man, Harry, was still angry but was considering what he said. Grace on the other hand was livid with anger. She was as red as a tomato.

-Listen here you daemon! Don’t you go around preaching about freedom! You want

freedom? Tell that to your victims that you have left dead to sustain your own unnatural life! You tainted fiend that you assumed that you could journey with one as pure as my daughter!

-No you listen you old hag! I never took a life that didn’t deserve to be destroyed!

He was angry, his eyes were getting more red by the seconds, blood rushed on his temples, and he felt his grasp on the world slip. He controlled his temper in the last moment, the effort making his head hurt so much that it almost split. He grabbed his head with one hand and squeezed. The pain that he caused gave him something to focus on. And then he heard it. Above the roar of the blood, above the roar of hatred and anger there was a clear, crystal voice. Singing so beautifully and enchanting that even beasts halted to listen. It was a lullaby. His anger seemed to seep away from him, as the song kept on, calming him completely. His eyes were again crystal blue. He looked around, and saw Estelle, standing, singing. As soon as she saw him calm again, she stopped, and sat again at her seat. He looked at her parents. They looked at her in concern and a hint of anger. Then it hit him. How did they know that he was not normal? The hag was trying to provoke him all the time, trying to make him angry.

-They are hunters Evan. And so was I trained to be one.

He looked at her and shrugged. He would have to take care of this mess later with her. Her parents were to be taken care off first.

-So the hag is the smart one, and you act as her bodyguard, right?

-She is not a hag, Evan, she has a name.

Estelle was breaking a new record for him. She almost never talked, and when she did it was for short times.

-Our daughter is right young man. Sit, it seems we might have rushed things this time.

-Harry!

-Hush, Grace. Let us listen to his side first. If his explanation is not satisfactory, then

we can always try to remove him later. And then we have to pass him from the tests.

-But…

-He resisted further than any other of his like. This amounts to something.

-I do not recall ever accepting telling you guys the story of my life.

-It is the only way for you to get out of this place alive.

-Care for a fight, old man?

-As a human, you haven’t got the strength to beat me. As a daemon, you have it, but

the sorceries that are bound in this place will weaken you greatly. If not for my daughter you would have been dead five times now.

-So that was that itch I felt before. You have sanctioned this house, haven’t you?

-Yes. How would you know that?

-It is a long story.

He sat down, and looked at his audience. He didn’t want to relive his past. It was painful. But he had no option. He could now identify the itch he completely ignored before, in his anger. If he tried anything in here, he was dead. And he knew that although the man was big, he was as fast as he was. Even faster. He shrugged again, and sat down on an armchair. He got comfortable, and smirked.

-And I think I would prefer death than retelling everything. So I will skip some parts.

 

 

Ελπίζω να σας άρεσε. Έχει και συνέχεια πάντως αυτή η ιστορία.

[RaspK]

Να παρατηρήσω ότι εδώ φταίω κι εγώ, αφού ο Μηνάς μ' έχει συμβουλευθεί στο παρελθόν σα διορθωτή αλλά έχω συνηθίσει να διαβάζω άλλ' αντ' άλλων, οπότε πολλά λάθη μου ξεφεύγουν...

 

Πάντως, θα σημειώσω το γεγονός ότι κάποια από τα λάθη του Μηνά δεν είναι ασυνταξίες παρά στο ότι έχει ξεχάσει κόμματα κι ότι χρησιμοποιεί αρχαϊκούς τύπους αύνταξεις που πλέον δε συνηθίζονται. Γενικά, παρουσιάζει το γνωστό πρόβλημα παρανόησης των σημείων στίξεως.