Sudden death

[Cyrano]

Όνομα Συγγραφέα: Ποθητός

Είδος: επιστημονική φαντασία (μόνο το περιτύλιγμα, όχι το περιεχόμενο)

Βία; Όχι

Σεξ; Όχι

Αριθμός Λέξεων: 2198

Αυτοτελής; Ναι

Σχόλια: Είναι στ' αγγλικά, όχι επειδή γράφω στ' αγγλικά (τ' αγγλικά μου δεν είναι τίποτε σπουδαίο) αλλά γιατί το έγραψα στα πλαίσια ενός course στη δημιουργική γραφή (όπως καταλάβατε, βαριέμαι να το μεταφράσω) και μ' ενδιαφέρει πολύ να συγκρίνω την κριτική που πήρα μ' εκείνη των μελών του forum. Θα είμαι ιδιαίτερα ευγνώμων σε όποιον σχολιάσει ανηλεώς.

 

Sudden death

 

 

 

 

I never liked guys like Harry. He was popular among the other students in space academy, no doubt about that. Parties, excursions, study groups – his slim, restless figure was always present. He was the specie of the witty clown, all the ingredients were there: bold, rude, impulsive, unpredictable; a real entertainer. No, I didn't like Harry. I couldn't stand that permanent, foxy smile on his long face, the fact that he could not shut up or stay still for five seconds. If it was not for Laura, I would have been avoiding him at all cost.

 

Laura was the undeniable female star of the whole class. Tall, blond, beautiful, extremely smart, sweet but with real nerve; the kind of the good girl who, stubbornly dedicated to her studies, doesn't pay much attention to her looks. She was competing bilaterally with Harry and me for the top of the school's marks. I assume it was rather inevitable for us to start competing about her.

 

His flirt was aggressive, mine almost passive. It wouldn't be wise to fight him on his field, I had to trust my instinct on Laura's character; I was consistent but discreet. Of course I could not escape from some ridiculous situations which inevitably occur when two men fight for the same woman. In one occasion, Laura, disgusted with the attraction we offered in front of the others, abandoned both of us in the bar. Harry had no problem in taking his drink and sit next to me.

 

'You cannot escape the laws of pairing,' he said making a sign to the barman to refill my glass. 'Women like Laura, are always attracted by men like me. It is nature, simple fate, high school equations. You don't really have a chance.'

 

Oh yes, he was that irritating.

 

But two months later, I was the lucky one to be Laura's choice. That didn't stop him. He wasn't intending to surrender so easily, he kept disturbing her. 'He's no good for you,' he was telling her 'and the sooner you realize it, the better'.

 

Laura was little by little losing her patience.

 

'He is really disgusting.' she said me once with real indignation.

 

'He thinks that women like you are destined to guys like him.' I replied, teasing her.

 

'I do not know what you mean by “women like you”, and you ...' she replied aggressively, but I rushed to hug her, thus preventing the oncoming explosion. I loved the way she looked angry, her tight chinbone, the red face, the furious eyes.

 

She was right though; soon after, I had to threaten Harry with raw violence in order to get him to leave her alone. He retreated, but kept making circles around her at some distance, like a vulture. That was okay, I didn't mind anymore. I was in love with Laura, we dreamed our future together: kids, fascinating trips to unknown worlds, a noble competition for who would be the captain and who his assistant in the command of space ships. We were the kind of the couple which is destined to last for fifty years.

 

We didn't have much time to enjoy our love. We were all preparing intensively for our exams, the ones which would determine our future. Two weeks in the simulator; the management of a colonial ship of middle distances. Only a approximately five per cent of the class would survive the tests. From this five per cent, perhaps one, unlikely two or most probably nobody, would win the big price: a billet for the school of space captains. The rest would become officers on the ground bases or technicians. Everything was depending on “sudden death”, the final exam. You could not get prepared for “sudden death”. Officers, former students, they were all refusing to reveal the slightest information about it; it was the holly secret, respected by everybody.

 

The day of the beginning of the exam, Major Frey, the supervisor of the exam, guided us to the simulation installations. He was a tall, big chested man, with round big head, close-cropped, very much like a bear. He had the reputation of being strict, merciless and fair. We were conducted to our cabins and the next day, our exam began.

 

During the following two exhausting weeks, the other participants were eliminated one by one. There were no second chances, no breaks, not enough sleep, no time to refresh one's mind. At the end of the eleventh day, only Harry, Laura and I were left; wrecks of ourselves, under the gaze of Major Frey who kept invariably looking fresh, tireless and crabby.

 

I was deeply asleep when I heard the alarm. I got dressed hastily and rushed out to the corridor. Laura was already out, waiting for me and the next moment I saw Harry getting out of his cabin. Without saying a word, we rushed to the control room. That was about 'sudden death', we all knew it. I tried to clear my mind, my whole career was depending on my responding in the next few minutes. Everyone was alert in the control room. Frenetic fingers on keyboards, fast low voices on microphones, sharp gestures, people running all over. A test for the permanent personnel too, I thought. The major was in the center of the room, his huge, bent figure was covering the monitors he was staring at. He started speaking without bothering turning to us.

 

'So, here is the situation: we have a blackout in section D, at the lower decks. Something hit the external wall of the ship, most likely a small meteorite. There is an air leak in two rooms. In the first of the them, there are three kids who have escaped from the attention of their mother; our security camera spotted them, just before the blackout. In the other room there are seven of our top technicians, they were performing a security test. Now, we have two problems. The first one is that we don't have time to enter in both the rooms. The second is that in order to reach the rooms, we have to break through in a corridor, where another man is trapped. He is in no immediate danger, but because of the blackout, we have to blast the door of the corridor and he will most surely be killed by the explosion. We cannot communicate with either of those people, the decision is ours. You all are oncoming space captains, so I want your opinion. We can save either the kids, either the technicians, or the man in the corridor. You have three minutes to make up your decision.'

 

I took a quick glance to my colleagues. Laura looked perfectly calm, while Harry was chewing his bottom lip, his eyes wandering on the floor. I tried to focus on the problem.

 

'Time's up.' the Major announced. 'Who would you save?'

 

'The kids.' said Laura.

 

'The technicians.' said Harry.

 

'The man in the corridor.' I said.

 

It was the first time I saw the major smiling. He now seemed more relaxed as he leaned on his chair.

 

'So, solutions to ethical problems are not that obvious, are they? Miss Huntley, why would you save the kids?'

 

'Kids are innocent and they have not lived their lives as the other adults. One never lets kids die when he can save them.'

 

'It seems that Mr Bickham,' he said looking at me 'does not share your sensitivity. Moreover, not only he did not choose to save the kids' three lives, he didn't even bother to save the seven of the technicians. Why the life of the man in the corridor is so precious Mr Bickham?'

 

'Because he is not part of the problem,' I replied 'If his corridor had an air leak too, I would save the technicians. They are the largest number, they have families and kids to take care for. But killing the man in the corridor in order to save them, is not a option, it is clear murder.'

 

'That's a good point, isn't it? What do you think Mr Stevenson?'

 

'If that sort of accident had happened on the ground, I would save the man too. But this is a colonial ship and ethics are different in space. We cannot afford to lose the technicians and thus risk the lives of all the colonists.'

 

'Well, I think you will be a very good space captain Mr Stevenson. Congratulations. Mr Bickham, I believe you will be a fine future commander of our base here in earth. As for you Mis Huntley, you know that good technicians are invaluable, the backbone of the whole space program. I want to thank you all for your participation in the program. You are dismissed.'

 

Laura left the room immediately after that, without shaking Major's hand. I stayed to congratulate Harry, but when I approached him, he didn't seem to be aware of my presence. His gaze was severe and he seemed absentminded. I left in order to return to my cabin and collect my things. But firstly I went to Laura's cabin. I found her packing everything in a suitcase, visibly frustrated. When she got aware of my presence, she left what she was doing and attacked me straightforward.

 

'If it was for our kids, what would you do?'

 

'Come on Laura, it is all over now...'

 

'No! I want to know. What would you do? Our kids! And my mistake that I wouldn't be careful enough for them. Who would you save?'

 

'Laura, I know you are upset, but this really...'

 

'Do you think that I am upset because of that heartless bastard in there? That I am sad that I won't be a space captain? If this is what a space captain is, then I feel relieved that I won't ever become one. I will be happy to be a technician, my conscience will be clear. The reason I am upset, is you. You! Would you have saved our kids or not?'

 

I couldn't escape from her gaze. Now, I knew she was serious about the whole thing. It took me two minutes to answer.

 

'I would have saved the technicians.'

 

When I raised my eyes to confront her, she was pale. All the anger has disappeared from her face, I thought I saw tears in her eyes. Unconsciously I raised my hand to touch her, but she took a step back, shaking her head.

 

'You are not the man I thought you were, not the one I fell with love with. I really don't want to see you again.'

 

I couldn't believe it, but she meant it. I never saw her again.

 

 

Five years later I was a middle class officer in the base, charged with a technical sector. I was happy with my job, my life. I had got married two years ago and I had a newborn daughter.

 

A space ship would take off the following week. I was the supervisor and that morning I went to meet an extra team of technicians who would help us with the final checks. As they were getting off the bus which brought them to the base, I was startled to recognize Harry among them.

 

'Harry!' I shouted.

 

'Oh, hello George,' he said turning to me 'Or should I call you lieutenant Bickham?

 

'Cut the crap Harry. What are you doing here?'

 

'Oh, it's a long story.'

 

'Let's get over with the formalities and come to my office later to have a drink, okay?'

 

He nodded and an hour or so lately, we were sitting in my office, sipping our scotch.

 

'I did quit before even entering the captain's school. You remember “sudden death”? That was the reason. Taking the right decision is one thing. Being able to execute, is another. I realized that I wouldn't be capable to give the right order or I couldn't live with this, which is basically the same to me. I told them. They perfectly understood, didn't try to dissuade me. I asked to become a technician, no moral decisions for me.' He smiled uneasy. 'You think that I am a coward, aren't you?'

 

'On the contrary. I believe that you are a brave, honest man. You see, I have misjudged you then. Most of us did. I believe that even Laura would have changed her opinion on you, if she was aware of what you did.'

 

His faced looked really worried now.

 

'In fact she did,' he stumbled 'You see, we are together now.'

 

It really took me a big effort to hold a nervous laugh.

 

'Oh, come on,' I said two seconds later 'don't look at me like that, I am happy about you two. We all have moved on since then.'

 

I changed the conversation and half an hour later Harry left my office. I stood in front of the window watching the big wreckers around the space ship. I remembered Harry's old words: 'It is nature, simple fate, high school equations.' Did that make any sense? I turned and I saw my little daughter's picture smiling at me. I smiled back and got ready to leave the office and go meet her.

 

 

[Μάρβιν ΑΑΠ]

Ένα στρωτά γραμμένο διήγημα. Διαβάζεται μονοκοπανιά. Ξετυλίγεται ομαλά, έχει ένα σημείο έντασης, συνεχίζει με προσγειωμένη εξέλιξη και αρκετά αναμενόμενες συγκρούσεις και κλείνει χωρίς να αφήνει απορίες και κενά. Ωραίο του σημείο μου φάνηκε η απάντηση του πρωταγωνιστή-αφηγητή, και μου άρεσε ακόμη περισσότερο που δεν εξηγείται ουσιαστικά αλλά έρχεται σαν εύλογη κατάληξη του τρόπου με τον οποίο περιγράφει προηγουμένως τις σχέσεις του. Ωστόσο, ολοκληρώνοντας το διήγημα, έμεινα με την αίσθηση ότι διεκπεραιώνει -με επιτυχία είναι η αλήθεια, κάτι που δεν είναι λίγο- ένα προς ένα τα σημεία κάποιου συγκεκριμένου κανόνα για το πώς είναι το καλογραμμένο διήγημα. Ήταν λίγο απογοητευτική αυτή η αίσθηση της διεκπεραίωσης ενός κανόνα (ίσως αδικαιολόγητη, στην πραγματικότητα), και τελικά με άφησε με μια κάποια αδιαφορία για την ιστορία και τους ήρωές της, παρότι θα προσυπέγραφα σίγουρα τη στάση τους.

Μου άρεσε πολύ περισσότερο το «Γυναίκα-γεύμα» και το ρίγος που το διέτρεχε.

Καλή συνέχεια

[Mesmer]

Δεν μ' αρέσει και τόσο να διαβάζω ιστορίες στα αγγλικά, αλλά αυτήν εδώ την διάβασα εύκολα. Είναι καλά και απλά γραμμένη, και λέει όλα όσα θέλει να πει.

Η αλήθεια είναι ότι μ' αυτό το τρίγωνο, η κατάληξη ήταν κάπως αναμενόμενη, χωρίς αυτό να σημαίνει ότι δεν άφησε καλή εντύπωση. Αφήνει μια αίσθηση κάθαρσης.

Μου άρεσε η διαδικασία του τελικού τεστ, με τις απαντήσεις και τις εξηγήσεις του καθενός. Αυτό που νομίζω εγώ είναι, ότι αφού ήταν οι καλύτεροι της σχολής, θα ξέρανε όλοι τους τι καταστάσεις θα είχαν να αντιμετωπίσουν και, μέσα τους, θα ήξεραν ποια θα ήταν η σωστή απάντηση και άρα, θα γνώριζαν εκ των προτέρων αν είχαν τα κότσια γι' αυτή τη δουλειά ή όχι. Εντάξει, εδώ αφήνεις να κυριαρχήσει το συναίσθημα, που δίνει άλλη χροιά στην ιστορία.

Γενικά, μου άρεσε, αλλά θα συμφωνήσω με την Μάρβιν, το Γυναίκα-γεύμα μου άρεσε περισσότερο.

 

Καλή συνέχεια!

Edited January 26, 2011 by Mesmer

[Cyrano]

Σας ευχαριστώ πολύ για τα σχόλια, με βοήθησαν πολύ. Ανέβασα στοχευμένα αυτές τις δύο ιστορίες κι ίσως έχει ενδιαφέρον για κάποιους να αναφέρω το γιατί.

 

Πέρυσι πήρα το μάθημα του Creative writing στο αγγλικό Open University. To Sudden death είναι, όπως πολύ σωστά επισήμανε η Μάρβιν, ένα “διήγημα του σωλήνα”, γραμμένο σύμφωνα με τις απαιτήσεις του μαθήματος. Δεν ήξερα τίποτα για το σύστημα αξιολόγησης, οπότε αποφάσισα να μην πάρω κανένα (υφολογικό κυρίως) λογοτεχνικό ρίσκο κι όντως βαθμολογήθηκε με ένα 80/100. Κάπου εκεί ήταν κι ο μέσος όρος όλων των εργασιών μου. Οπότε, νιώθωντας ασφαλής, αποφάσισα για την τελική εργασία (που θα αντιστοιχούσε στο μισό της συνολικής βαθμολογίας) να δώσω κάτι πιο 'λογοτεχνικό' κατά το γούστο μου. Πήρα το “Γυναίκα-γεύμα” που είχα γράψει κάποια χρόνια νωρίτερα, το μετέφρασα και το έστειλα. Ονειρευόμουν μια βαθμολογία άνω του 85/100 (υποτίθεται τα διηγήματα που υπερβαίνουν αυτή τη βαθμολογία θεωρούνται 'δημοσιεύσιμα'). Όταν αντίκρυσα ένα 56/100, έμεινα αρχικά άναυδος κι έπειτα αμήχανος. Οι εργασίες αυτές βαθμολογούνται από έμπειρους άγγλους συγγραφείς, το διήγημα που εκτιμούσα λιγότερο βαθμολογήθηκε αισθητά περισσότερο – τι έπρεπε να υποθέσω; Αργότερα, μπαίνοντας στα forum του μαθήματος, βρήκα μια (μειοψηφία είναι αλήθεια) μαθητών που δήλωσε από απογοητευμένη έως εξοργισμένη από το μάθημα, καταγγέλοντας ότι το μάθημα δεν αντιστοιχούσε στον τίτλο του μιας και 'τιμωρούσε' την δημιουργικότητα, ανταμοίβοντας την τεχνική.